Balanced between old and new year I am feeling that I am being made ready to be catapulted back into the noisy reality of everyday life. Believe it or not over the last few months there have been positives that have come out of dealing with my condition. Hard won I’m hanging on tight, I‘m not going to let them go.
The nurse is alarmed by my blood pressure check, she shrieks, your blood pressure’s gone through the roof, it’s usually normal, what’s going on Amanda?
Yes, I put my hand up to it, my fault, I’m acting, there are things I haven’t dealt with. Of course in the perfect world, on the threshold of major surgery, as I swing into the hospital, adoring partner by my side, I look into his eyes and say, darling while I’m under the kosh please look after my worries. But we all know life ain’t like that. I’m a single parent and I realised long ago the cavalry are not about to ride over that hill. The reality is, perfect life or not, I aint got the stretch and this time folks I come first.
I am guilty of putting my worries on the back burner, too busy organizing life in the run up life restricting surgery. A few days ago my friend the architect tells me his cancer has returned, incurable stage four, deep in my heart I hold a scream hard like a rock. My sweet, lovely ancient parents are in the middle of a huge downsizing move. And of course the usuals, will the kids be ok, what if the boy drops out again because of the stress of my illness. Yep you got it, a big heap of guilt. So what happened to staying in the present?
One of the positives of this condition has been making time to get together for meditation with the glorious and calm Sally Ackermann, it helps me get through the rubbish. So when I say to the nurse, leave it with me, I’ll bring down my blood pressure, I’m confident I will. The curtains are closed around my bed, lieing in my curtained cloister, I meditate. I take myself deep, shedding each worry as it surfaces, peeling away the constricting layers. Two hours of later, I emerge from my closed cocoon, my blood pressure is checked, back down to normal, it’s worked.
Sometimes life with this bastard condition was lonely but knowing there are other people going through it helps. There are two blogs I dip into, always there with a helping hand constant and steady. The really informative blog by my friend the journalist Mike Baker, in his balanced calm voice he tells of the changes he’s made to his life since his lung cancer diagnosis. He is positive about getting as much as he can out of life, it’s not difficult stuff, simple and effective, it works.
And there’s the incredible, brave, ballsy, life enhancing Lisa Lynch. Inspite of the hideousness off her condition her descriptions often make me rock with laughter. She reassures, yep, even when the chips are really down and you are facing your biggest fears about the GRANDE FINALE you are helped and looked after in magnificent ways, she tells of the huge compassion out there.
For unraveling the intertwined bastard cancer feelings from all the other emotional pigswill going on in my head I use a great little on line tool, Moodscope. A short simple daily test, it shows which present issues need to be dealt with.
There’s no choirs of angels round here. Life’s calm, I manage. I hold tight to that still calm, it’s brought me through.
Happy New Year, all you lovelies!